its 8:28am on a thursday, i work tonight at 4pm-close...aka 4-10:30pm. usually....last week i got home at damn near midnight it was fuckedupp. but atleast i didnt have to pay for an uber. im kind of surprised i didnt wake up properly at 6am like i usually do. recently ive been getting up to feed my cat, mr. toes at 6 and then going back to sleep for a couple hours. but i dont like it...it makes me feel like i have less time in the day for doing things for myself. but all i ever do is things for myself because all i do is procrastinate. i wish i was the type of person who procrastinated til the last minute but still got shit done. i just procrastinate forever. packing a bowl right now and thinking of how fucking useless i am. this is terrible, i mean everything really feels terrible.
suicide has been more and more prevalent in my mind. i dont really want to even say it because then its more and more real. and scary. i still need to call my bank. i need a new job. i need money. i need to be a real adult. im so fucking scared, and im so scared im ruining all my relationships. i think im the worst boyfriend and i feel like one of those emotionally unavailable cis guys whose girlfriends have to like. force any emotion out of them. but im not trying to be ike that, my ony emotion it feels like right now is me fucking tweaking over nothing. im basically evil dan. i feel like iam. salem im sorry things feel so hard, i dont want you to think im saying certain things because im wanting to break up or its unfixable, i say these things because i want to fix them. i fear we are both too unstable sometimes but i think even just typing that could make it worse. i sound so mean. i just wantto be okay and cool. i wantto be a good boyfriend. im terribly sorry that im ..i guess jealous over everything and get insane fomo. im sorry my last relationships ruined my perception of healthy relationships. or maybe im just making excuses. i have no clue.
ok i just called my bank. somehow everytime i do that it seems like . ok nothing just came of this there was no reason for that. but yes there was, im getting things done. im trying to. anyway the show last night was awesome, it was sofucking sick to see tower again. my favoriteee. or ..top 3 maybe. fuck. idk. anita, tower, slog, bluedriver.....top 4. i dont think i like any other bands nearly as much. some girl broke her leg? or dislocated something or just. generally fucked her leg up last night too on the last song. it was strange... first time ive experienced the music stopping and everyone like. oh shit. but she was fine and they played the last song after like 10 mins. it was really nice to see dan, oliver, addison, and nico all in one place again. i mean...maybe a bit of a strange group. or it feels like it. it always feels like we are missing someone(rory:(). i miss u rory. although we did hangout the other day and he came over. nobody is allowed over. my house is too gross. ok i cant think abt that right now. i fucking love tower. i love the scene im in. i love watching transsexual punks in their natural habitat, hurting eachother and dancing around and being silly. its beautiful and makes me feel like life is worth living.